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July 10, 2017 By HallieZ 2 Comments

Because, Sometimes You’re Afraid

ORIGINALLY POSTED 4/3/2013

*this is still true today, 7/10/2017, if not EVEN MORE SO*

There is a common misconception about me.

“oh, Hallie? She’s fearless”

“Hallie? She is SO BRAVE”

I hear that, oh, ALL the time. All the time. I’ve been hearing it since, well, at least since I was about 21, and headed off the Brazil…

But, today, I am going to let you in on a little secret.

I get scared, ALL THE TIME.

All the time.

I go swimming in the tropical ocean?

I worry EVERY SINGLE TIME I dive into that ocean.

about

Jellyfish

Stingrays

Drowning

Tsunamis

Monsters that live in the sand and will reach up and grab my legs and suck me down and keep me as their slave in an underwater air bubble parallel reality…

I’m alone with my kids, in a country with no 911, no do-gooder Samaritan neighbors… and my husband is on another continent, and everything is dark, and all are asleep.

I lay in the dark, fearing

Rapists

Burglars

Child-stealers

Government officials, who hate The One I Love

Oh, or cockroaches swarming over me

Then the alarm in my basement goes off, so I grab the baseball bat from under our bed, tuck mace in the waste band of my PJs, and head down to investigate. And I am so scared, I think I am going to pee my pants.

Every time I climb on a motorbike, even though I have done it a thousands times, as I speed down the gravel road, or highway, I get mind-numbingly, brain-scrambling scared.

about

concussions

broken necks

paralysis

road burn covering my body

getting hit by a car

my thighs looking fat, all squeezed and gelled on the seat

Get it? These are just 3 tiny examples.

I get scared.

I get worried.

And I have fears, many of them with a capital F.

Especially living as an expat, I experience a new, or old FEARS every day of my life.

This is the deal, though.

I don’t let my life be defined by my fears.

I don’t make decisions influenced by my fears.

I live BIGGER than fear.

Have I not commanded you be strong, and courageous! Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged!

In YOU I take refuge

You are my rock, and my fortress

You are my ever present help in time of trouble

The eyes of the Lord see far

Do you not know? Have you not heard? He does NOT grow weary or sleep!

I beat the crap out of my fears every day.

I lock them up, and I beat them down, and I stand on top of them.

When I hesitate before jumping into the ocean, I scream these truths out to my spirit, and I dive, and I come up smiling.

When I am alone in my bed, in the dark, I fall asleep, not counting sheep, but saying, over and over.

“In peace I will lie down and sleep, for YOU LORD, make me safe”

*ps 4:8

When I my body starts to shake, because I am so scared of driving a motorcycle, I pull over, and I praise Him for making these arms, these legs, that obey the directions of my brain, make safe, and thoughtful driving decisions, and I head back out on the road with joy and thankfulness for the wind on my face.

Our fears stare us in the face.

Our kids getting hurt.

Death

Political freedoms

Even “silly” things…

Someone will laugh at you

You have to get an immunization

Take a blood test

Squish a spider that got into your house

As I swam in the ocean today, I felt something brush my leg, and pure panic rushed through my veins. I looked, there was nothing, so I lay on my back, and floated, face to the sun, repeated the words that are true, and I thought of YOU my friends and family.

Today, I shared my fears with you, because I LOVE YOU. I want you to be PUSHED TOWARD your fears. I want you to find the courage to face them, and defeat them. I want you to live fully, with confidence that oozes out of your pores, and with a smile that gives glory to the ONE WHO HAS DEFEATED FEAR!

July 6, 2017 By HallieZ Leave a Comment

Dear Me

ORIGINALLY POSTED 9/6/2012

Dear Me,

You are 16. Everything seems like a really big deal.

I am twice your age now. And this is what I want to say.

Don’t grow up. Just refuse. Don’t do it.

You are going to double your age, and end up 32.

You will find yourself living in a country of very short people,

who call you fat every day of your life.

It is cold, dirty, and insanely polluted here.

You will miss your family every day of your life.

Shopping at Target will become as big a dream as going to Disneyland once was.

Everything in your home will be such crap quality that it is almost always broken.

You will drive everywhere on a scooter,

and it will make your current lack of transportation not look so bad…

NAH, just kidding!

Here is the real letter I am writing to myself.

Dear 16 year old me.

You, Hallie, of the strong, strong will. With the strong body and mind. With the deep and thoughtful heart. You, who knows your Maker in such a deep way, you will one day be 32, and marvel, and know how rare and beautiful what you have is.

What you are doing now, who you are being now, are all the things that add up to making me able to do what I do now. So for the most part, I don’t want this letter to be about changing you life… except for one thing. I want to tell you this.

No one is telling you NO.

Even now, I don’t understand what exactly “they” were saying,

but I do know it wasn’t NO, exactly.

Don’t listen to them. You want to go to college? GO.

You want to get a job? Get it.

Scared? Embarrassed to ask other for help? Don’t be. ASK them. You know who.

You are smart enough. You can work hard enough.

You won’t mess up. You won’t go into debt for it.

You will regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t defy that perceived “NO” and GO DO IT.

Ok. So now we got that out of the way.

I think of you, and I want to cry, and scream, and laugh!

You are being told this, right now, and it is true. You are being uniquely prepared, and you, to whom much is being given, will find that much shall be required.

From where I stand now, I see a million ways that your unusual upbringing is shaping you,

and moving you forward to the days when you will walk in His steps, on the other side of the world.

I want to cry, because I know how sad and lost you feel. Someday, you will hold your 2 year old daughter on your lap, right next to your hours-old second daughter, and you will know, all along, there WAS enough love. I/we won’t really believe it until that moment,

but Mama and Papa do want you, and they do love you as much as each baby that

shows up every few years.

I want to scream, because it IS too much. Too much on your shoulders. Nobody is trying to hurt you. I don’t think they realize how much you hate the responsibility that you handle so well on the outside. Bow your heart, strong, oldest Child. Bow your heart, and trust that He will use these years to build in you character that will change your corner of the world. And be looking, your Father is going to put people in your life to be Him with skin on, and they will be there in exactly the right moments.

I want to laugh, because you LAUGH! Oh, how you laugh. It keeps you sane, and fills your heart when it is empty. It ties you to your mama with undeniable blasts of joy, and breaths life and hope into everyone around you. One thing I want to tell you now, because it will hurt when you finally learn this in about 10 years: Tame the laughing. The introverted, the truly sad, sometimes you hurt their feelings. Sometimes you intimidate them. You want your smile and laugh to encourage them, let them know you are listening. But they don’t get it. So learn to tame it down. Practice being calmer, and listening harder.

Don’t be afraid of the silences, wait on them.

Those convictions you have? The ones you keep doubting are really yours?

They ARE. Stop worrying that you just inherited them from your parents.

You are NOT going to “mess up”. You are not 1 step away from skanky, loose, or immoral.

Your heart is pure and beautiful to the lover of your soul,

and I wish you would stop wasting time worrying about it.

Your girl friends, and your friend-boys are amazing.

The girls will always be there for you. Even when you are 32, they will be kind to you, pray for you. They are going to remember you, and love you, even when you are gone from the USA for years at a time. These girls are the best and all the time and energy you are spending on them is NOT wasted. The one your parents won’t let you hang out with right now? She is going to end up being a life-line to you, when you find yourself in dark places, and you two will laugh and laugh about this time.

Your friend-boys are beautiful, kind, and chivalrous. You worry that you are doing something “wrong” by loving them, but you aren’t. Not many girls are given friend-boys who treat them with the love and respect yours do. Be thankful for them. Ask God how to love them rightly. You will NOT “mess up” physically with any boy, ever. . So stop being so scared of messing up! Live life, and be brave!

And finally,

Your 16 year old self looks weird to you. Silly. You aren’t weird looking at all. You are beautiful. Really. On the inside and out.

Your body is strong, capable, and will accomplish many wonderful things.

You will be proud of all that it has done, one day.

So start thanking for the marvelous creation that is you NOW.

You are going to change the world. One life at a time. You are going to see dreams you thought lost be restored. And you are not going to mess up.

With so much love and hope for you,

Your older and more tired self

As I write these things to you, tears come, and I think of your daughters, I realize I am also kind of writing this to them. Do you mind if I let them read your letter in 10 years?

Miss Z is 6 now. And she is a lot like you. I think she needs to know some of these things, too.

July 6, 2017 By HallieZ 9 Comments

Therapy: My Road to Tomorrow PT 1

Have I recommended therapy to you recently? For the record, I recommend it highly.

PART 1

Here’s what happened.

A long, long time ago, I ordered the book “Protecting the gift”. I ordered it, because I wanted to proactively parent my children to walk in a world full of good people, and also, people who want to hurt them.

I needed some guidance as I had conversations with them, and somehow stumbled across this book. The main premise, of this book, as I see it, is TEACH YOUR KIDS TO USE AND TRUST THEIR INSTINCTS. As I read, I felt like standing up on my chair and screaming YES, YES, YES, HELL YES! And then…

I was doing the practical things the book suggested with my kids. And then…

I started doing it with myself.

I started asking myself “is this real?” “Is this true?” “HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS, HALLIE?” “what is your instinct telling you about this situation, Hallie?” “what is your gut telling you about this relationship, Hallie?”

IT WAS SCARY. Oh, it was scary as *#$&. Because trusting my gut/instinct/The-Spirit-Inside-Me is something I had spent a lifetime dismissing and denying.

For me, it looked like this.

ME: “hey, PERSON , when you say X to me, I feel that you are dismissing and belittling me”.

PERSON: *******

ME: “oh! Your intention is NOT to dismiss and belittle me? Well, I still feel that way…”

PERSON: *****

ME: “well, I hear you saying AGAIN that your intention is not to dismiss or belittle me, and so if I feel that way, I must be wrong. Ok. I will dismiss and deny my feelings of being dismissed and belittled. Obviously, I cannot trust myself…”

Eventually, this became an internal conversation. And then it became a habit, and I didn’t even have the conversation inside me. As I started helping my kids ask questions, it was like a huge fence in my brain started being dismantled.

When I felt dismissed, I asked myself “WHY DO YOU FEEL THIS WAY?”

And then, I realized I just wasn’t sure. I didn’t know what was real, and what wasn’t anymore.

As fate would have it, this was happening while I was fostering a little boy, and while I was adopting. Oh yeah, and I was being a Christian missionary, living overseas, in a communist nation. So I immersed myself in books about the brain, books about attachment, books about parenting. I read everything I could find on the topic, and I was asking SO MANY questions, I felt like I was going to explode. And what does one do in such a situation?

Uh.

I didn’t know.

In the culture in which I grew up, therapist are not to be trusted. Even “Christian” ones use the “wisdom of man” to replace the “wisdom of God”. They are responsible for all kinds of evil, and all kinds of falling away.

But, you guys, I could. Not. Do. It. Any. More.

So I googled “missionaries” “skype” “therapist” and whatever else I could think of.

And I found Lynn.

and now, I am going to stop, because the tears are flowing, and I need a minute

February 4, 2017 By HallieZ Leave a Comment

Imperfect, Too

I see myself in her eyes, the child who WANTS-TO-GET-IT-RIGHT. The child who holds the spatula, just so, and waits, and tests the edges of the egg with her finger.

“Is it firm enough to flip?” and I say, “wait another minute, Baby.”

“Oh no! I cracked the yoke, and it’s SUPPOSED TO BE RUNNY ON THE EGGS BENEDICT!”

It’s ok, it will taste good.

“But I NEED it to be PERFECT for HIM.”

I did too.

Always perfect. Trying so hard. Knowing, at some level, I was always loved. But not quite accepted.

Loved, but not enough.

Loved, but too much strength, too much will, too loud a voice.

If I made the egg, just right. If I just shut my yapper and used it to smile. Or if I seasoned the meat just so. If I was less like a girl. If I was more like a girl. If…

I wasn’t me.

You have TIME, I tell her. You have TIME to figure out how YOU like the eggs. Time to learn how to make them for others. Eggs that are cold can be microwaved.

Or thrown in the trash, because, lets face it, we are rich, and can make another one,

more perfect this time.

Child. Mama was perfect. Until she wasn’t.

So while I rip apart the things of perfection, Baby, watch me be imperfect.

Baby, you be imperfect, too.

February 1, 2017 By HallieZ Leave a Comment

Deep Cries Out

There is that feeling, when I dive REALLY deep, and the water is SO strong around me, it pushes and pushes me. Its everywhere, and I push against it, and aim for the surface… Chin up, eyes open, I can see the light, and terror fills me because I can’t breath down here, and yet, everything is ok, because I can see that light up there.

Then I burst through, and for a minute, I am that gorgeous girl in the movies, with my hair streaming back and a joy-smile exploding my face. The relief of breathing, the joy of the sun hitting my wet body. And it’s worth, it, right?

I climb out, scale the rope ladder, and I do it all over again, and again.

I am exactly like that right now.

Chin up, eyes open, light and terror beating in my heart. I feel the weight of the pressure all around me. I feel the opinions and the words and the accusations and the judgments that are trying to force the air out of me, trying to steal my breath and my life.

But they can’t. I am living life, I am diving deep. I will break through the surface. I will feel the sun on my face and I will keep breathing. Joy will light up my face and radiate from me, a reflection of the Divine, am I. Arms of love will reach for me, shouts of joy will chase me to the ladder, and I’ll dive in again.

Deep Cries Out
by William Matthews

I’ve got a river of living water
A fountain that never will run dry
It’s an open Heaven You’re releasing
We will never be denied
‘Cause we’re stirring up deep deep wells
We’re stirring up deep deep waters
We’re gonna dance in the river
Dance in the river
‘Cause we’re stirring up deep deep wells
We’re stirring up deep deep waters
We’re gonna jump in the river

What I’m Writing