It’s our first night in our very own little home. It’s my home, for me and my kids, our new way of being a family. Its terribly hard to do this without a spouse. I don’t regret the divorce. No, not at all. But I grieve, again, the things that never were and the dreams that never came true. I am sad that I don’t have the husband I always hoped to have, at this point in my life.
Also, I feel like the flippin’ bad-a**edest girl EVER. A few weeks ago a rented my own U-haul truck. Yup. And I drove it MYSELF. Yup.
I installed curtain rods, a plant-hanger, and assembled a bunk bed in my kids’ room.
I didn’t do these things during my marriage, because we participated in very rigid gender rolls. I did ALL housework and daily grind stuff, he did the “man” things like hooking up the washer and dryer when we moved. It wasn’t that I didn’t like to do those things, or didn’t feel I was capable, those were just the only things he would do, and I always felt I did them “wrong”, so I left them to him, and did all the other things.
Panic and anxiety, my old friends, kick into high gear anytime I tackle one of the these tasks I haven’t done in 13 years. I am SO afraid of doing it wrong. Of screwing up. But as the fear of failure fades away with the marriage I left, I jump on one new things after another, with renewed energy and courage.
This house is a mess, tonight. The walls are half-painted, the floor is filthy. Some of my boxes are still in the storage unit. I wasn’t sure we were spending the night here, so I don’t bring any of our gear with us. Kids are using rolled up towels for pillows… My room has this wallpaper border that, well, lets just say it isn’t EXACTLY my taste. I have painted some samples on the wall, but I bet I won’t get to my bedroom for a few weeks or so.
I am scared to settle in here, desperate to settle in here. I want it so much, a few years here. But it seems like too much to hope for. Why would something go well, when so much has gone so, so wrong for so long? Is it worth making my bedroom a haven, if only for a year?
This place is a dream I didn’t know I had coming true. Sure, the bugs and the spiders and the mice come with it, but I gather that all up into my heart, with the smell of the cedars out my door, and I breath deeply.
P.S. after writing this, I closed the computer, turned off the light, and lay down in my bed. To my shock, when I looked up at the popcorn ceiling, I saw 3 foot deep GLOW IN THE DARK paint saying
“LOVE ME”
I can’t stop laughing.
