halliez.com

August 5, 2017 By HallieZ 2 Comments

I wouldn’t start from there

There is this story, about an American in Ireland.

She’s trying to get to Dublin, and is hopelessly lost.

She pulls off the road and asks a farmer how to get to Dublin.

The farmer deliberates a bit, then says

“well, lass, truth be told, I wouldna start from here”.

I kind of feel this way when I’m scrolling through Facebook, and I see some debate go totally off subject, and veer into insanity. “woah, dude, I wouldn’t start from THERE!!”

I feel this way when I watch the average Joe-Christian evangelize some poor, lost soul. “please” I want to explain, ” I am so sorry, Joe didn’t need to start from there”.

I super feel this way when my theology is challenged by someone who never stopped to find out from where I had started.

I MEGA feel this way, when, having never understood my journey, people try to explain my “failed” marriage and my soul’s condition to me.

When I think about my hoped for destinations,

(yeah, not Dublin, in case you forget that was a story) a few come to mind.

Destination Wholehearted living.

Destination Shining light in the world.

Destination Be true to the teaching of Jesus.

Destination Live LOVE.

Destination Reflecting a Creator who calls forth LOVE.

From where should I start then, I ask, if that is where I want to find myself, in the end?

Shall I start with a scripture reference?

Or, perhaps, some scientific evidence?

Should I start with declarations, and statements?

Or maybe my opinion of all the other people?

“No” I hear in my heart. “I wouldn’t start from there”.

I’d start at the well, in the heat of the day.

I’d ask you for a drink, then I would speak to you in stories.

I’d start in a room full of men who mocked and criticized you, I’d speak your name, and the truth of who you were.

I would start in the dark, because you were too afraid to find me in the light, and I’d listen, and I would tell you stories.

I’d start with some questions, and some listening.

I would start with tears and speaking to my Father.

I would tell him all of it.

I’d start in a town, dry and unimportant.

I’d shine a star on a single mama, outcast and scored, on the night her child was born.

I would start with healing.

Yes. I would start from there.

stuff that helped:

Liturgist Podcast

July 28, 2017 By HallieZ 1 Comment

GRIEVING ALONE/NOT ALONE

I can feel the pain surging through my body.

Sometimes it feels like a caving in, an emptying.

Sometimes if feels like my brain has been put on ice.

Tonight, it feels like a restless tension.

It compels me to check Facebook again. Watch another 5 minutes of a Netflix show I can’t even remember when I hit pause.

It feels like, if I imagine what they are feeling tonight, I will be ripped apart forever, and so, I can’t imagine. I can’t feel.

But my heart screams at me, you must feel.

I got news of a tragedy in my family of origin this morning. I want to run to the pain, I want to run to the hurt and the arms of family. But I know I would only bring more pain, only bring more sorrow. I am not wanted. I know that. I don’t know what to do. It is one of my worst fears come true, since the shunning began. Every day, I fight off the fear that someone will die, someone will get a diagnosis, and I won’t be told. I won’t be there.

I won’t get to comfort and grieve with the ones I have loved for my entire existence.

My own pain is brought into sharp focus by the pain I know my loved ones are experiencing today.

“this is a living hell”, I texted to a friend this morning. As I hit send, I heard the voice of David…

“If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!” *

I watched the Osprey fly over my head, carrying a snake back to her young, her wings a silhouette against the early morning sun.

Again, I heard David

“If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea” *

Later in the afternoon, I answer the half-panicked shouts of my oldest child. I run outside to see that my preschooler has solo-scaled a tree in our back yard. I bid my heart stop racing, and calmly ask “can you get down by yourself?”

With utter confidence, she cheerfully declared

“YES!!! And if I get STUCK, YOU can come up here!!!”

That’s it, isn’t it?

Love beckons and reaches.

Love moves in and says I AM HERE.

Love shows up in the grit and the grime of the bloody trenches of life.

It stretches out its arms, and says

“lo, I am with you always, even to the ends of the earth”.

One lesson of MASSIVE importance for this year is that I will survive the feelings. I used to be afraid that if I felt it, if I let it come into my body, I would die.

I used to think that grief would fling my body into outer space and I would never be able to come back to earth.

Tonight, I power off the devices.

I lay still and close my eyes.

I let it wash over me. I surrender.

I tell myself, “YOU ARE ALLOWED TO BE SAD”.

I let the sadness move through me, and the tears seep through my eyelids.

My phone rings, and it is a person I had despaired of hearing from. Her voice calls out the deeper grief, and I sob into her ear, and she doesn’t seem to mind. Her call is so much more than a call. It is an invitation and a movement of healing. It is the image of the Divine, one we only see clearly in sorrow.

I remember this video, illustrating some research on empathy, and the impact this concept had on me.

This afternoon, I was almost yelling at my kids, in the car. They looked at my like I’m deranged.

“in our family we ALWAYS LOVE FIRST. That’s one of our core values. We LOVE, and we show up, and we don’t mess with each other and we don’t let other people mess with our family. We always, ALWAYS show up for each other, even if we don’t agree or understand”.

Miss Smarty pants comes back at me with “how many family values do we have, you’ve been talking about this a lot” but she has a bit of a glint in her eye, because her heart is hearing what my heart is saying to her. She’s hearing it loud and clear.

“I am your mom and I will TAKE DOWN ANYONE who messes with you and you are NEVER put out of my presence.”

That is who MY GOD IS, my God is the one who calls forth love. My God is the one who comes into the pain, into the darkness. I AM IN THE PRESENCE OF THIS LOVE to the highs and the lows and the in-betweens. The darkest depths of the earth, the highest arch of the skies.

No where will I be separated from this LOVE.

*PS 139:8 & 9

July 24, 2017 By HallieZ 2 Comments

HE’S NAKED!

The most meaningful fairy tale of all time?

The Emperor’s New Clothes

Oh yes.

When the truth is spilling over and running out of me, and the truth can’t be shut up…

and I am the only one in the crowd at the parade yelling

“the emperor is naked…”

I, am not, of course, the only one. Dozens of other people in the crowd see the truth. They see all his zits and warts on display.

They see the quiver of the buttocks and the shine of the sweat and they are scared, for some reason, to acknowledge the truth.

I am MAD at them. “*&%# YOU!” I want to scream. I want to stomp on toes and I rip the truth out of their throats. I want them to look me in the eyes and tell me why they are standing by, silent, and I want them to cut the bull *@#**. I want them to OWN the reality. I want them the face it and if they don’t want to call that emperor out, I want them to at least

OWN THAT THEY DON’T WANT TO CALL HIM OUT.

Instead. I sit down on the curb. The parade is going by. The emperor didn’t hear me shout, or if he did, he didn’t care. The people nearest me told me to shut up and made a human wall that shoved me back, away from the edge, where I could see the parade.

I sit on the curb, and lower my head into my hands, and I sob.

July 23, 2017 By HallieZ 5 Comments

ANGER

(in which I begin to try to tie up some things I am learning)

Anger. A creature of many tentacles with whom I am not yet entirely comfortable.

(FYI I know my creature is very friendly looking. The thing is, she is MY anger, and that’s how she looks to me right now. When she’s a monster, not so friendly. But we are keeping it sweet here, today, in this post)

A number of years ago, when my rose colored glasses were shattered, I experienced an anger I had never felt before. I was pretty lucky to have my therapist there, to walk me through meeting this creature, and befriending her.

I learned that anger was a natural emotional response to many different kinds of things. It is a biological response of our brain to things around us and anger is important to our survival as human beings.

I learned anger is a part of a healthy grieving process. I began practicing healthy ways of expressing anger. I began naming anger. “Oh!” I would say to myself “ I am ANGRY!!!” “this is ANGER I feel”. It was wild. I thought I should feel guilty, but I didn’t.

I was introduced to the idea that anger is a gift. When Dr D came into our life, as our marriage therapist, his theology background was invaluable to the lessons I was learning, because we were able to explore the gift God had given me in my emotions, that all my emotions are ok, all of them are gifts.

Anger slowly became my friend. I began looking at this creature, and asking her “what are you trying to tell me?” I have written a bit about starting to listen to my instinct, and paying attention to anger has been a very similar.

Anger can tell me something is wrong inside me. It can alert me to a problem in a relationship, or something in the world outside me. Anger shows me dangerous people, and cries out from my deepest soul to defy injustice.

Anger can also be a cruel, cruel master. Anger can drive me to speak words I don’t want to speak. Anger can take over my body, and break a heart with a scream. Anger can rip apart my face and scare the people I love most. And that, my friends, is a terrible thing.

So, for me, getting to know this creature, this anger, has been both terrifying, and liberating.

Until about 2 weeks ago.

The pressure in my life, accompanying my pending divorce, was reaching a boiling point. (is there a point beyond boiling? If there is, I think I was actually at THAT point)

Reality was hitting me EXTRA hard all of a sudden. I was preparing to SELL MY HOME, FINALIZE MY DIVORCE, MOVE somewhere (but I didn’t know where) CLOSE MY BUSINESS, FIND A WAY TO SUPPORT MY CHILDREN ALL BY MYSELF… There was so much more, but you get the point. I know we all have our lists like this.

Basically, I am going through one of the biggest transitions of my life… and the people, the humans, I had always relied on to get through hard times WERE NO WHERE TO BE FOUND. My anger at my ex, and at my family of origin wasn’t just a creature, it was a MOTHER*&$King sea monster, and she was trying to take me down with her.

The rage I felt was so powerful, it was ALL I HAD. I could feel it in every minute of every day, and I quickly realized I couldn’t, and DID NOT WANT TO live this way.

There was a talk with my therapist, a few talks with friends. There was venting on the phone and there was crying over my dishes. There was raging in the garage, as I sorted stuff into boxes, and there was most certainly some cussing.

And then… as it always does… the opening and the shining and the breakthrough-ing began.

I named the anger. I said I am ANGRY I haven’t gotten child support in months. I am ANGRY my sisters aren’t here. I am ANGRY my mom won’t speak up for me. I am ANGRY I have to sell my house… and on and on and on.

The stuff I am angry about? Totally legitimate.

The way I feel? Natural

The things I want to do to the people that hurt me? Understandable

Being stuck here? Not cool

Being anger’s bitch? WAY not cool

I am washing dishes while having this conversation in my head,

“Hallie, give thanks”

for the anger? Give thanks for the anger?

“yes, give thanks for the anger”

I think that’s ungodly

“are YOU the one who decides what is ungodly?”

uh, not really

“so…”

and then I break wide open

“thank you for this anger. Thank you for my heart that sees. Thank you that I am sensitive to the spirit. Thank you that my brain and my body work so well. Thank you that I love justice. Thank you that I am healthy enough to recognize and name my emotions”

then, I ask myself a question

“is this what YOU WANT IN YOUR BRAIN?”

I think its ungodly for me to want or not want anything in my brain

“seriously? We are doing this? WHAT DO YOU WANT, HALLIE?”

I want LOVE in my brain, I sob.

I want kindness, I want compassion. I want goodness and freedom and life and light and joy and everything I could possibly ever ever EVER have from you! THAT’S WHAT I WANT, ok?!!!

“this is who your truly are. Lets release the anger so that you have room inside you for ALL THAT IS GOOD”

And now… I am doing this every time. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I name it. I give thanks for it. I release anger. Then I welcome joy, I welcome love. And I am free. And then I start laughing.

I don’t know how long this will be my thing. But if grief and healing is like an onion, this is the layer that is being peeled back right now. And for that, I am GLAD.

July 23, 2017 By HallieZ 2 Comments

Therapy: My Road to Tomorrow Part II

Read Part 1

(If you are a missionary or overseas worker, and you want professional help, check out this. I am going to keep linking to her until you do. That is all)

Therapy work over skype is a big deal. Therapists who do this have to be very aware of the legal ramifications of what they are doing. They are working in less than ideal conditions. They may not really know the culture in which you live, they can’t see your whole body language. They can’t necessary make sure you get your medications… it takes both the counselee and the counselor being forthright and clear with each other. She made it very clear what she was an wasn’t offering me. I had issues with internet many times, and we had to have a protocol for that!

We worked together for about 8 months, originally. We did a lot of sifting through my childhood and my beliefs that came out of that. We addressed feeling and beliefs I had that were mostly connected with my dad in my heart and mind. For me, the biggest relief was, for the first time, having someone to talk to who didn’t have a huge emotionally investment in my life turning out a certain way. For the first time, I could ask ANY QUESTION I had. I could voice my doubts and fears without edit, because they were not going to be used against me.

Eventually, we got to a good stopping point. I was seeing parts of my heart heal, and starting to give voice to things I was thinking in real life, outside the safety of our therapy session. My husband and I had some traveling to do, our ministry was taking off, we had enough money, I was feeling better, so I signed off for a while.

Then all hell broke loose in our ministry. And I found out I was pregnant, which jeopardized the pending adoption of my foster son. And when hell broke loose in our ministry, it also broke loose in our marriage. I was scared and didn’t know what to do. And so I got back into the routine of weekly therapy on skype with Lynn.

I would get up at 5 or 6 am, make coffee, and disappear into our basement office with my computer. I was usually done by the time my kids started waking up, which worked, but was not ideal, because I usually felt like I needed a couple of hours to RECOVER from counseling!!

We really dove in deep, this time. I felt like all the stuff I had done the year before was weeding, just getting the field of my heart ready for the tilling.

It was hard, hard work, you guys.

These are some of the questions I was wrestling with:

Was I worth loving if I wasn’t a missionary?

Could I be a good mom?

Did anything I want matter to anyone?

Could I hear from God?

Why was I a missionary in the first place?

Is my heart ACTUALLY deceitful?

Will anyone love me if I can’t do anything anymore?

Why are so many missionaries assholes?

Why are so many Christians assholes?

How do I “submit” to my husband when I actually believe he is doing something wrong?

How do I love my husband when I don’t believe he loves me?

Am I rebellious?

Why do we preach politics from the pulpit?

Can I trust me?

Can anyone trust me?

Am I BAD?

Am I dirty?

What blew me away about professional counseling was that I was being helped to MAKE UP MY OWN MIND.

My whole life, I had been told WHAT to believe, and threatened with hell/rejection/judgment if I didn’t comply. It was the most exciting thing in the world to learn that I didn’t have to have the answers to everything, that God didn’t mind my questions, that wherever I was in my journey, the Divine was THERE WITH ME!

I wanted to scream from the mountain tops!

TODAY I AM MORE FREE THAN I WAS YESTERDAY!

I AM LOVED!!!

What I’m Writing