healing – Page 8

July 23, 2017 By HallieZ 2 Comments

Therapy: My Road to Tomorrow Part II

(If you are a missionary or overseas worker, and you want professional help, check out this. I am going to keep linking to her until you do. That is all)

Therapy work over skype is a big deal. Therapists who do this have to be very aware of the legal ramifications of what they are doing. They are working in less than ideal conditions. They may not really know the culture in which you live, they can’t see your whole body language. They can’t necessary make sure you get your medications… it takes both the counselee and the counselor being forthright and clear with each other. She made it very clear what she was an wasn’t offering me. I had issues with internet many times, and we had to have a protocol for that!

We worked together for about 8 months, originally. We did a lot of sifting through my childhood and my beliefs that came out of that. We addressed feeling and beliefs I had that were mostly connected with my dad in my heart and mind. For me, the biggest relief was, for the first time, having someone to talk to who didn’t have a huge emotionally investment in my life turning out a certain way. For the first time, I could ask ANY QUESTION I had. I could voice my doubts and fears without edit, because they were not going to be used against me.

Eventually, we got to a good stopping point. I was seeing parts of my heart heal, and starting to give voice to things I was thinking in real life, outside the safety of our therapy session. My husband and I had some traveling to do, our ministry was taking off, we had enough money, I was feeling better, so I signed off for a while.

Then all hell broke loose in our ministry. And I found out I was pregnant, which jeopardized the pending adoption of my foster son. And when hell broke loose in our ministry, it also broke loose in our marriage. I was scared and didn’t know what to do. And so I got back into the routine of weekly therapy on skype with Lynn.

I would get up at 5 or 6 am, make coffee, and disappear into our basement office with my computer. I was usually done by the time my kids started waking up, which worked, but was not ideal, because I usually felt like I needed a couple of hours to RECOVER from counseling!!

We really dove in deep, this time. I felt like all the stuff I had done the year before was weeding, just getting the field of my heart ready for the tilling.

It was hard, hard work, you guys.

These are some of the questions I was wrestling with:

Was I worth loving if I wasn’t a missionary?

Could I be a good mom?

Did anything I want matter to anyone?

Could I hear from God?

Why was I a missionary in the first place?

Is my heart ACTUALLY deceitful?

Will anyone love me if I can’t do anything anymore?

Why are so many missionaries assholes?

Why are so many Christians assholes?

How do I “submit” to my husband when I actually believe he is doing something wrong?

How do I love my husband when I don’t believe he loves me?

Am I rebellious?

Why do we preach politics from the pulpit?

Can I trust me?

Can anyone trust me?

Am I BAD?

Am I dirty?

What blew me away about professional counseling was that I was being helped to MAKE UP MY OWN MIND.

My whole life, I had been told WHAT to believe, and threatened with hell/rejection/judgment if I didn’t comply. It was the most exciting thing in the world to learn that I didn’t have to have the answers to everything, that God didn’t mind my questions, that wherever I was in my journey, the Divine was THERE WITH ME!

I wanted to scream from the mountain tops!

TODAY I AM MORE FREE THAN I WAS YESTERDAY!

I AM LOVED!!!

July 23, 2017 By HallieZ 5 Comments

Thank You

The judge was so very kind as she leaned across the desk and spoke the words I had feared.

“I am going to order you to sell the house”

I know this is hard, she went on to explain. I know it feels like its too much, and it hurts. But you are strong, she said. You will thank me for making this decision for you. It is what is best for you and your kids, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

I believed her.

And still.

I was so angry. So SAD.

As a missionary who has been without roots for my entire marriage, this was home was the first time I ever felt that it would be ok to dig deep.

To settle in. To dream about a future in a PLACE I loved.

It hurt too much to stay in the anger and sadness.

And so I began a daily practice of thanking the day after the trial.

I want to share with you some of my Thank You prayers.

Thank you for this gate that opens to the park. It makes me deeply satisfied to remember working on this project with my children’s daddy. The hope realized of a place they could run and ride and wonder and explore was wonderful.

Thank you for the Osprey. Watching them come back this spring was a singular joy and source of hope rising. They mate for life. Their nest had been knocked down last fall, and there was a lot of speculation in the neighborhood about if they would rebuild here or move. They screamed about their nest for a week, then set to rebuilding. This morning, I watched one of them bring a fish back to the young.

Thank you for a patio big enough for trikes in the rainy part of the year. Thank you for a patio for parties and family and dinners and coffee.

Thank you for a fire pit. Thank you for kids who loves smores and friends who have sat with me around this fire and loved and cried with me.

Thank you for this home-coming fireplace. I fell in love with it the moment I saw it. Thank you, sir, for the mantel you built me out of a railroad tie. It is beautiful in every way.

Thank you for the squirrel we look for and laugh at every day!

Thank you for the color. For the herbs and the flowers and all the peace and joy they offered.

Thank you for the hope of living in a place long enough that it would be worth planting an apple tree. I hope the future owners of the home love this, too.

Thank you for the “park”. Thank you for the neighbors who gave us the pieces, and a daddy who knew how to make it extra special and sturdy. Thank you for all the neighbor kids who have found refuge and popsicles with us here.

July 23, 2017 By HallieZ 6 Comments

thoughts on being shunned

Here I sit. Alone, surrounded by people. I am deeply aware of your judgment.

I have been inspected, and I have been warned. I have been explained to, I have stood trial, and yet, I have persisted.

The price to pay for freedom, hope, and life was worth it, I decided. But sitting here, feeling your righteous distain…

It is a wedding. A celebration of the joyous union of bodies, of life, of family. A union of heart and purpose and future. I alone taint the air. My yet-to-be-finalized divorce a stench that can hardly be tolerated. Surely, other sins exist in this room, but none so unseemly as mine. Of this I am certain.

Here I sit, a failure. 12 years of marriage under my belt, babies made, children grown and loved. Continents visited, oceans crossed, footsteps left that changed the world for better. I sense that they want me to be ashamed. They want me to be sorry. They want me to get on my knees and beg them to let me back in, swear they are right, and submit my life to their will.

I hold the hand of my child, nubbins where most grow fingers, because this one came into the world this way. A second child burrows between my legs, and yells up at me “I CAN SEE YOUR BUTT!!!”

the giggles remind me of true things

I loved. I wept and I sang. I danced and I fell to the floor, unable to move. And then I loved some more. I offered all I had, and when that was gone, I offered more. I opened every door, I prayed every prayer. And I loved some more.

That was not failure, I say to myself. That was love. That was marriage. You did it. Be strong.

Here I sit, breathing the same air as them. My heart beats, and my body yearns, just like theirs. I wonder, “ will she be happy?” and “will he care for her?” I am sure they do, too.

Our hearts beat in our chest, and our fingers curl around our purses, our coats. We wonder if dinner will be good, will the kids melt down, will there will be wine.

Flesh and blood, we are. Children of the Divine. And yet… it has been decided I am less-than.

I do not accept this.

“*%#$ that noise” my heart screams.

Tears in my cheeks, in my ears, choking my throat and my lungs. Because I KNOW.

I know that if He broke the laws of the HOLIEST MEN to heal the eyes of a blind man,

He would break the laws of the HOLIEST OF TODAY to heal this heart of mine.

(I am referencing John 9, in case you were wondering 🙂

July 20, 2017 By HallieZ 10 Comments

Can’t Erase Me

I exist

I am a Ray

I am the first born child

I love my little brother and sisters

I watched most of them come into the world

I held them through illness, cared for them for weeks without my parents, taught some of them to read, manipulated them, fought with them, and fought off anyone who tried to hurt them.

I love my parents

I did everything I could to love an honor them for my whole life

Now I honor them by doing what I know is right and good

NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS OR DOES TO ME

I have been in every family picture the Rays have taken

UNTIL

I filed for divorce

This summer, I was excluded from the family photo taken at my sister’s wedding

I stood on the side, with my children, while my entire family was photographed, putting on smiles, pretending that I was not standing right there

Pretending like I deserved this judgement

however

YOU CAN’T ERASE ME

I say this for me, and my children

I say this for every person who has been in my shoes

WE CAN NOT BE ERASED

WE ARE HERE

WE ARE LOVED

Crater Lake 2006

Christmas 2006

Spring 2008

Baby Esther in my womb, right before we moved to China

Winter 2009

visiting from China

Summer 2012

(maybe?)

January 2014

JZ had not yet been adopted

Summer 2016

Finally a family photo with JZ included

I had separated, but not yet divorced. I pray this is not the last family photo I ever have with my family of origin. If it is, I will always be thankful that I have it

July 20, 2017 By HallieZ 4 Comments

Banner Over Me

Today I posted a quote on FB. It was encouraging to me, and I thought it would be to people I know.

BUT.

It was interpreted, by some, in a different way than I had interpreted it. And before I knew it, a raging horror of cruelty and name calling was splashed across my FB feed. There were my Christian, evangelically conservative friends, my Christian, “liberal” friends, my agnostic, and “other” religion type friends and there were names being called and assumptions being made…

I just feel sick.

I deleted it all as soon as I realized what was happening. But the sickness lingers.

Really?

A non-salvation issue, and you’re going to call into question the validity of my faith?

For hours this morning, some thoughts had been roiling and boiling in my head and heart. I can’t distill them yet, so I’ll try to at least get it down on paper tonight.

GOD

“HE” pursues me. He is in and around all the air I breath, in every movement of my life and there is not a place I go or a moment my hearts beats in which I am not aware of his reality and power.

As I stagger, crawl, run, march, or dance through this life, I feel that my every move is a response to His love for me.

I paraphrase here, the words God spoke to Job. And I ask this of any man or woman who judges my place as God’s loved child.

Did you create Hallie?

Did you cup her in the palm of your hand, and mix the blue of her eyes?

Did you pour peace over her 6 year old heart, as her innocence took a beating?

Did you flood her heart, as she lay in the grass, and the pricks of each blade whispered the name of her creator?

Did you open her eyes to undercurrents beyond her years, or meet her in her fear and loneliness?

Where were you, when the night seemed too dark to survive?

Did you reveal your love in the taste of a summer-warm peach, or the force of rain and the slap of mud on her boots?

Did you pursue her across continents and through tropical storms?

Where were you, when she cried out in pain?

Did you show up in a tangle of arms and strength, and eyes that saw her for who she really was?

Did you see her deepest fears?

Where were you, when she begged to be held?

Did you witness her greatest shame, and find that she still ran straight into your arms?

So please.

Shut up.

Sit down.

Close your eyes.

Take a breath.

Open your hand and trust me to the one you say is sovereign.

Let Him be the one who does the work no human hand can do.

Seriously. I have no energy for your judgment, no time for your games.

I am my Beloveds, and my Beloved is mine, and His banner over me is Love.

What I’m Writing