speaking up – Page 4

July 20, 2017 By HallieZ 4 Comments

Banner Over Me

Today I posted a quote on FB. It was encouraging to me, and I thought it would be to people I know.

BUT.

It was interpreted, by some, in a different way than I had interpreted it. And before I knew it, a raging horror of cruelty and name calling was splashed across my FB feed. There were my Christian, evangelically conservative friends, my Christian, “liberal” friends, my agnostic, and “other” religion type friends and there were names being called and assumptions being made…

I just feel sick.

I deleted it all as soon as I realized what was happening. But the sickness lingers.

Really?

A non-salvation issue, and you’re going to call into question the validity of my faith?

For hours this morning, some thoughts had been roiling and boiling in my head and heart. I can’t distill them yet, so I’ll try to at least get it down on paper tonight.

GOD

“HE” pursues me. He is in and around all the air I breath, in every movement of my life and there is not a place I go or a moment my hearts beats in which I am not aware of his reality and power.

As I stagger, crawl, run, march, or dance through this life, I feel that my every move is a response to His love for me.

I paraphrase here, the words God spoke to Job. And I ask this of any man or woman who judges my place as God’s loved child.

Did you create Hallie?

Did you cup her in the palm of your hand, and mix the blue of her eyes?

Did you pour peace over her 6 year old heart, as her innocence took a beating?

Did you flood her heart, as she lay in the grass, and the pricks of each blade whispered the name of her creator?

Did you open her eyes to undercurrents beyond her years, or meet her in her fear and loneliness?

Where were you, when the night seemed too dark to survive?

Did you reveal your love in the taste of a summer-warm peach, or the force of rain and the slap of mud on her boots?

Did you pursue her across continents and through tropical storms?

Where were you, when she cried out in pain?

Did you show up in a tangle of arms and strength, and eyes that saw her for who she really was?

Did you see her deepest fears?

Where were you, when she begged to be held?

Did you witness her greatest shame, and find that she still ran straight into your arms?

So please.

Shut up.

Sit down.

Close your eyes.

Take a breath.

Open your hand and trust me to the one you say is sovereign.

Let Him be the one who does the work no human hand can do.

Seriously. I have no energy for your judgment, no time for your games.

I am my Beloveds, and my Beloved is mine, and His banner over me is Love.

July 10, 2017 By HallieZ 2 Comments

Because, Sometimes You’re Afraid

ORIGINALLY POSTED 4/3/2013

*this is still true today, 7/10/2017, if not EVEN MORE SO*

There is a common misconception about me.

“oh, Hallie? She’s fearless”

“Hallie? She is SO BRAVE”

I hear that, oh, ALL the time. All the time. I’ve been hearing it since, well, at least since I was about 21, and headed off the Brazil…

But, today, I am going to let you in on a little secret.

I get scared, ALL THE TIME.

All the time.

I go swimming in the tropical ocean?

I worry EVERY SINGLE TIME I dive into that ocean.

about

Jellyfish

Stingrays

Drowning

Tsunamis

Monsters that live in the sand and will reach up and grab my legs and suck me down and keep me as their slave in an underwater air bubble parallel reality…

I’m alone with my kids, in a country with no 911, no do-gooder Samaritan neighbors… and my husband is on another continent, and everything is dark, and all are asleep.

I lay in the dark, fearing

Rapists

Burglars

Child-stealers

Government officials, who hate The One I Love

Oh, or cockroaches swarming over me

Then the alarm in my basement goes off, so I grab the baseball bat from under our bed, tuck mace in the waste band of my PJs, and head down to investigate. And I am so scared, I think I am going to pee my pants.

Every time I climb on a motorbike, even though I have done it a thousands times, as I speed down the gravel road, or highway, I get mind-numbingly, brain-scrambling scared.

about

concussions

broken necks

paralysis

road burn covering my body

getting hit by a car

my thighs looking fat, all squeezed and gelled on the seat

Get it? These are just 3 tiny examples.

I get scared.

I get worried.

And I have fears, many of them with a capital F.

Especially living as an expat, I experience a new, or old FEARS every day of my life.

This is the deal, though.

I don’t let my life be defined by my fears.

I don’t make decisions influenced by my fears.

I live BIGGER than fear.

Have I not commanded you be strong, and courageous! Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged!

In YOU I take refuge

You are my rock, and my fortress

You are my ever present help in time of trouble

The eyes of the Lord see far

Do you not know? Have you not heard? He does NOT grow weary or sleep!

I beat the crap out of my fears every day.

I lock them up, and I beat them down, and I stand on top of them.

When I hesitate before jumping into the ocean, I scream these truths out to my spirit, and I dive, and I come up smiling.

When I am alone in my bed, in the dark, I fall asleep, not counting sheep, but saying, over and over.

“In peace I will lie down and sleep, for YOU LORD, make me safe”

*ps 4:8

When I my body starts to shake, because I am so scared of driving a motorcycle, I pull over, and I praise Him for making these arms, these legs, that obey the directions of my brain, make safe, and thoughtful driving decisions, and I head back out on the road with joy and thankfulness for the wind on my face.

Our fears stare us in the face.

Our kids getting hurt.

Death

Political freedoms

Even “silly” things…

Someone will laugh at you

You have to get an immunization

Take a blood test

Squish a spider that got into your house

As I swam in the ocean today, I felt something brush my leg, and pure panic rushed through my veins. I looked, there was nothing, so I lay on my back, and floated, face to the sun, repeated the words that are true, and I thought of YOU my friends and family.

Today, I shared my fears with you, because I LOVE YOU. I want you to be PUSHED TOWARD your fears. I want you to find the courage to face them, and defeat them. I want you to live fully, with confidence that oozes out of your pores, and with a smile that gives glory to the ONE WHO HAS DEFEATED FEAR!

July 6, 2017 By HallieZ 9 Comments

Therapy: My Road to Tomorrow PT 1

Have I recommended therapy to you recently? For the record, I recommend it highly.

PART 1

Here’s what happened.

A long, long time ago, I ordered the book “Protecting the gift”. I ordered it, because I wanted to proactively parent my children to walk in a world full of good people, and also, people who want to hurt them.

I needed some guidance as I had conversations with them, and somehow stumbled across this book. The main premise, of this book, as I see it, is TEACH YOUR KIDS TO USE AND TRUST THEIR INSTINCTS. As I read, I felt like standing up on my chair and screaming YES, YES, YES, HELL YES! And then…

I was doing the practical things the book suggested with my kids. And then…

I started doing it with myself.

I started asking myself “is this real?” “Is this true?” “HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS, HALLIE?” “what is your instinct telling you about this situation, Hallie?” “what is your gut telling you about this relationship, Hallie?”

IT WAS SCARY. Oh, it was scary as *#$&. Because trusting my gut/instinct/The-Spirit-Inside-Me is something I had spent a lifetime dismissing and denying.

For me, it looked like this.

ME: “hey, PERSON , when you say X to me, I feel that you are dismissing and belittling me”.

PERSON: *******

ME: “oh! Your intention is NOT to dismiss and belittle me? Well, I still feel that way…”

PERSON: *****

ME: “well, I hear you saying AGAIN that your intention is not to dismiss or belittle me, and so if I feel that way, I must be wrong. Ok. I will dismiss and deny my feelings of being dismissed and belittled. Obviously, I cannot trust myself…”

Eventually, this became an internal conversation. And then it became a habit, and I didn’t even have the conversation inside me. As I started helping my kids ask questions, it was like a huge fence in my brain started being dismantled.

When I felt dismissed, I asked myself “WHY DO YOU FEEL THIS WAY?”

And then, I realized I just wasn’t sure. I didn’t know what was real, and what wasn’t anymore.

As fate would have it, this was happening while I was fostering a little boy, and while I was adopting. Oh yeah, and I was being a Christian missionary, living overseas, in a communist nation. So I immersed myself in books about the brain, books about attachment, books about parenting. I read everything I could find on the topic, and I was asking SO MANY questions, I felt like I was going to explode. And what does one do in such a situation?

Uh.

I didn’t know.

In the culture in which I grew up, therapist are not to be trusted. Even “Christian” ones use the “wisdom of man” to replace the “wisdom of God”. They are responsible for all kinds of evil, and all kinds of falling away.

But, you guys, I could. Not. Do. It. Any. More.

So I googled “missionaries” “skype” “therapist” and whatever else I could think of.

And I found Lynn.

and now, I am going to stop, because the tears are flowing, and I need a minute

January 31, 2017 By HallieZ 2 Comments

Silent

I heard a woman say something like “all we artists really want to do is be seen”.

I am afraid to tell you who this woman is, because, if I do, you won’t hear me anymore.

I heard another guy say “if I stay silent, even the rocks will cry out”. And I’m afraid to tell you where I found that, because if I do, you won’t see me anymore.

If I put my hands on either side of your face, and I look deep into your eyes, and I hold contact…

Will my humanity weaken you?

Will my nearness humble you?

Will the warmth of my skin and the sound of my breath reach you?

Here I am, and I can’t stay silent. If I do, even the rocks will cry out.

What I’m Writing