Here I sit. Alone, surrounded by people. I am deeply aware of your judgment.

I have been inspected, and I have been warned. I have been explained to, I have stood trial, and yet, I have persisted.

The price to pay for freedom, hope, and life was worth it, I decided. But sitting here, feeling your righteous distain…

It is a wedding. A celebration of the joyous union of bodies, of life, of family. A union of heart and purpose and future. I alone taint the air. My yet-to-be-finalized divorce a stench that can hardly be tolerated. Surely, other sins exist in this room, but none so unseemly as mine. Of this I am certain.

              

Here I sit, a failure. 12 years of marriage under my belt, babies made, children grown and loved. Continents visited, oceans crossed, footsteps left that changed the world for better. I sense that they want me to be ashamed. They want me to be sorry. They want me to get on my knees and beg them to let me back in, swear they are right, and submit my life to their will.

 

I hold the hand of my child, nubbins where most grow fingers, because this one came into the world this way. A second child burrows between my legs, and yells up at me “I CAN SEE YOUR BUTT!!!”

the giggles remind me of true things

I loved. I wept and I sang. I danced and I fell to the floor, unable to move. And then I loved some more. I offered all I had, and when that was gone, I offered more. I opened every door, I prayed every prayer. And I loved some more.

That was not failure, I say to myself. That was love. That was marriage. You did it. Be strong.

Here I sit, breathing the same air as them. My heart beats, and my body yearns, just like theirs. I wonder, “ will she be happy?” and “will he care for her?” I am sure they do, too.

Our hearts beat in our chest, and our fingers curl around our purses, our coats. We wonder if dinner will be good, will the kids melt down, will there will be wine.

Flesh and blood, we are. Children of the Divine. And yet… it has been decided I am less-than.

I do not accept this.

“*%#$ that noise” my heart screams.

Tears in my cheeks, in my ears, choking my throat and my lungs. Because I KNOW.

I know that if He broke the laws of the HOLIEST MEN to heal the eyes of a blind man,

He would break the laws of the HOLIEST OF TODAY to heal this heart of mine.

 

 

(I am referencing John 9, in case you were wondering 🙂

I exist

I am a Ray

I am the first born child

I love my little brother and sisters

I watched most of them come into the world

I held them through illness, cared for them for weeks without my parents, taught some of them to read, manipulated them, fought with them, and fought off anyone who tried to hurt them.

I love my parents

I did everything I could to love an honor them for my whole life

Now I honor them by doing what I know is right and good

NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS OR DOES TO ME

I have been in every family picture the Rays have taken

UNTIL

I filed for divorce

This summer, I was excluded from the family photo taken at my sister’s wedding

I stood on the side, with my children, while my entire family was photographed, putting on smiles, pretending that I was not standing right there

Pretending like I deserved this judgement

however

YOU CAN’T ERASE ME

I say this for me, and my children

I say this for every person who has been in my shoes

WE CAN NOT BE ERASED

WE ARE HERE

WE ARE LOVED

Crater Lake 2006

Christmas 2006

Spring 2008

Baby Esther in my womb, right before we moved to China

Winter 2009

visiting from China

Summer 2012

(maybe?)

January 2014

JZ had not yet been adopted

Summer 2016

Finally a family photo with JZ included

I had separated, but not yet divorced. I pray this is not the last family photo I ever have with my family of origin. If it is, I will always be thankful that I have it