Here I sit. Alone, surrounded by people. I am deeply aware of your judgment.
I have been inspected, and I have been warned. I have been explained to, I have stood trial, and yet, I have persisted.
The price to pay for freedom, hope, and life was worth it, I decided. But sitting here, feeling your righteous distain…
It is a wedding. A celebration of the joyous union of bodies, of life, of family. A union of heart and purpose and future. I alone taint the air. My yet-to-be-finalized divorce a stench that can hardly be tolerated. Surely, other sins exist in this room, but none so unseemly as mine. Of this I am certain.
Here I sit, a failure. 12 years of marriage under my belt, babies made, children grown and loved. Continents visited, oceans crossed, footsteps left that changed the world for better. I sense that they want me to be ashamed. They want me to be sorry. They want me to get on my knees and beg them to let me back in, swear they are right, and submit my life to their will.
I hold the hand of my child, nubbins where most grow fingers, because this one came into the world this way. A second child burrows between my legs, and yells up at me “I CAN SEE YOUR BUTT!!!”
the giggles remind me of true things
I loved. I wept and I sang. I danced and I fell to the floor, unable to move. And then I loved some more. I offered all I had, and when that was gone, I offered more. I opened every door, I prayed every prayer. And I loved some more.
That was not failure, I say to myself. That was love. That was marriage. You did it. Be strong.
Here I sit, breathing the same air as them. My heart beats, and my body yearns, just like theirs. I wonder, “ will she be happy?” and “will he care for her?” I am sure they do, too.
Our hearts beat in our chest, and our fingers curl around our purses, our coats. We wonder if dinner will be good, will the kids melt down, will there will be wine.
Flesh and blood, we are. Children of the Divine. And yet… it has been decided I am less-than.
I do not accept this.
“*%#$ that noise” my heart screams.
Tears in my cheeks, in my ears, choking my throat and my lungs. Because I KNOW.
I know that if He broke the laws of the HOLIEST MEN to heal the eyes of a blind man,
He would break the laws of the HOLIEST OF TODAY to heal this heart of mine.
(I am referencing John 9, in case you were wondering 🙂