the day after my birthday

It’s the day after my birthday.

I’m driving down a country highway, remnants of field burning on either side of me. The sun came out after a few days of rain, and it’s a perfect Oregon Autumn moment.

 

“I don’t want to live

Like I’m half alive

I don’t want to walk

Where the road is wide”

 

Windows down, my current favorite song cranked up, my every fiber of my body responding, and I can only holler the words, half in tune, between gasps for air…

 

“I want to feel my heart on fire now

Let the safety net burn down

Throw my arms out wide

Let your love collide in me

I want to run with my heart on my shirt

Straight into the wind maybe get hurt

I thought living safe meant living stronger

No longer”

 

Thank you

Thank you for setting my safety net on fire, because now I know what it is like to have true love catch me.

Thank you for telling me my heart was wicked, because now, I don’t have to keep my heart hidden, fearful you’ll reject me. There it is, on my shirt. It’s beautiful, transformed, and it’s pulsing with love.

Thank you for putting barriers up, that kept me from walking the wide road. You forced me onto the narrow path, and that’s where all the wild flowers are.

Thank you for pulling the plug on my life support. I was half alive there, and when you forced me to fight for life, I got to start living it all the way alive.

Thank you for stripping away all the things I thought a family should be, and pushing me to find out what I want MY family to be.

Let’s go find the stars

Let’s remember who we are

Thank you for telling me all the things I wasn’t

All the not good enough

All the wrong enough

Because now I’m beginning to remember who I am

 

“No Longer” Lyrics by Nicole Nordeman