Therapy: My Road to Tomorrow PT 1

Have I recommended therapy to you recently? For the record, I recommend it highly.

PART 1

Here’s what happened.

A long, long time ago, I ordered the book “Protecting the gift”. I ordered it, because I wanted to proactively parent my children to walk in a world full of good people, and also, people who want to hurt them.

I needed some guidance as I had conversations with them, and somehow stumbled across this book. The main premise, of this book, as I see it, is TEACH YOUR KIDS TO USE AND TRUST THEIR INSTINCTS. As I read, I felt like standing up on my chair and screaming YES, YES, YES, HELL YES! And then…

I was doing the practical things the book suggested with my kids. And then…

I started doing it with myself.

I started asking myself “is this real?” “Is this true?” “HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS, HALLIE?” “what is your instinct telling you about this situation, Hallie?” “what is your gut telling you about this relationship, Hallie?”

IT WAS SCARY. Oh, it was scary as *#$&. Because trusting my gut/instinct/The-Spirit-Inside-Me is something I had spent a lifetime dismissing and denying.

For me, it looked like this.

ME: “hey, PERSON , when you say X to me, I feel that you are dismissing and belittling me”.

PERSON: *******

ME: “oh! Your intention is NOT to dismiss and belittle me? Well, I still feel that way…”

PERSON: *****

ME: “well, I hear you saying AGAIN that your intention is not to dismiss or belittle me, and so if I feel that way, I must be wrong. Ok. I will dismiss and deny my feelings of being dismissed and belittled. Obviously, I cannot trust myself…”

Eventually, this became an internal conversation. And then it became a habit, and I didn’t even have the conversation inside me. As I started helping my kids ask questions, it was like a huge fence in my brain started being dismantled.

When I felt dismissed, I asked myself “WHY DO YOU FEEL THIS WAY?”

And then, I realized I just wasn’t sure. I didn’t know what was real, and what wasn’t anymore.

As fate would have it, this was happening while I was fostering a little boy, and while I was adopting. Oh yeah, and I was being a Christian missionary, living overseas, in a communist nation. So I immersed myself in books about the brain, books about attachment, books about parenting. I read everything I could find on the topic, and I was asking SO MANY questions, I felt like I was going to explode. And what does one do in such a situation?

Uh.

I didn’t know.

In the culture in which I grew up, therapist are not to be trusted. Even “Christian” ones use the “wisdom of man” to replace the “wisdom of God”. They are responsible for all kinds of evil, and all kinds of falling away.

But, you guys, I could. Not. Do. It. Any. More.

So I googled “missionaries” “skype” “therapist” and whatever else I could think of.

And I found Lynn.

and now, I am going to stop, because the tears are flowing, and I need a minute