To Say Goodbye

It was supposed to be

You and me

Grey hairs

Wrinkled fingers entwined

Foreign movie on the screen

Sundance festival image flickering

 

You and me

In this theatre

100 years old

and counting

Instead

Here I am

Your body laid out

Cold

The essence of you is gone

Has been gone

For some time

 

I don’t know when it was

I realized you weren’t there

I have my suspicion

But

I can’t be certain

 

 

They said it would come in waves

This grief

And

They were right

They said I would say goodbye in stages

They were right

I move over your body

I know you aren’t here

But I remember

When you were

 

Your shoulders

Broad

Tanned

Muscled

Angling down to a waist

Gaunt from fasting

Carharts hanging

I touch

The lines I know so well

 

 

Goodbye

 

Months pass

And here we are

In this room again

Your lips

I don’t remember the last time I kissed them

I remember the first

 

Goodbye

 

Another season comes and goes

I watch a movie alone

And like a surge in the ocean

Your hands

 

Can’t we just bury you and be done?

 

But no

I touch the lines

Run my fingers over the ragged nails

They knew me

And

they didn’t even scratch the surface

 

Good riddance

I want to scream

But it turns into a wail

 

13 years was a drop in the bucket

I scream it to God

She hears

It was supposed to be a hundred

Don’t you fucking care

 

 

How long

Does it take

To say goodbye?